The HICU (Huntsman ICU) doctors have been allowing me to participate in their rounds on Kendall’s case each morning. While I have learned a great deal of medical terminology and what different types of numbers might mean, there is a lot that I don’t completely understand. And so much of it is discussing the many serious conditions and failing organs and problems that his body is fighting right now. After rounds today I asked the head internist if there were any positive things he could share with me. I’m glad I asked. I think they get so focused on the things they need to be fixing (and I think they often forget I’m there off to the side listening and taking notes), that they don’t always acknowledge the things that might be going well.
While he first reminded me that Kendall is very critically ill, the doctor did say that things are not as dire as they were on Monday. That was an extremely difficult day (for both Kendall and me, I think). Some things have stabilized a bit since then. Kendall’s body seems to be able to tolerate the continuous dialysis as long as they are giving him medication to keep his blood pressure up. He didn’t throw up today (which he had been doing after they started the feeding tube). And overall it looks like his liver numbers are trending in a good direction (although his billirubin was higher than yesterday). Kendall’s liver condition is really key to a lot of things going on right now, including his kidney function and the hepatic encephalopathy. And while he is sedated a lot of the time, this is giving Kendall’s body a much needed rest.
They do regular “sedation vacations” where they take Kendall off the sedation and try to wake him up enough to see if he will follow some basic commands (like blinking, wiggling toes, squeezing a hand, etc.). During this morning’s rounds they said that Kendall wasn’t responding to commands. I asked if they would let me try to get a response from him. I’ll admit, it was more than a bit validating when Kendall would squeeze my hand (but not a nurse’s or the physical therapist’s), he blinked for me, and he moved his foot when I asked him to wiggle his toes. The doctors also talked about how agitated he had been, but several times today Kendall would calm down and relax if I was quietly talking to him and explaining what was happening. I really do think he can hear me even when he is sedated.
I couldn’t sleep last night, and so while I was up I read my scriptures for a while. I came across a verse in 1 Nephi 7:12 that says, “Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.” Then today I had someone remind me of the importance of not giving in to fear when trying to exercise faith, and what a difference it makes when we visualize, and expect, the outcome we want. I think I had lost sight of that after last Sunday and Monday when things seemed so bleak and frightening. The doctors have not given up on Kendall and I certainly am not going to. I will be his biggest champion and advocate. I won’t lose hope. I’m going to look forward to and imagine Kendall being home again with our family, and being able to put this experience behind us. Because whatever the ultimate outcome, I don’t want to live THIS moment in fear. I choose faith.
