I mentioned yesterday how very sick Kendall is, despite his being more awake and alert. The doctors had determined that as long as nothing new went wrong, they were OK to continue aggressively treating things and waiting a bit to see if Kendall improved. Well, something new did happen. Kendall is now bleeding internally, quite a bit, which has made his blood pressure dip dangerously low. That was always a big risk with the medicine they’ve been giving him for the VOD, and his platelets are also low (the VOD “eats up” the platelets he gets intravenously each day) so his body can’t properly clot. For now they are giving him blood products, but that is a very temporary fix and can’t solve the underlying problem.
While Kendall did have one 20 minute window when he was awake and aware of me today (and during which I was able to video call the kids), the rest of the day he was mostly unconscious. I knew things weren’t looking great for him, big-picture wise, but of course seeing him so responsive yesterday got my hopes up. So. What comes next? Most likely things will continue as they are tonight and tomorrow, and then early next week the doctor said we’ll have to make some hard decisions about how to move forward. They advised me to bring the kids to see Kendall this weekend, while things were relatively “calm,” so they will be coming up tomorrow. Prayers please that things will go smoothly, that maybe Kendall can be awake when they are there, and that I can hold it together and it can be a positive, peaceful experience for my children.
So many thoughts have been swirling through my head today. I’ve been thinking a lot about Eve, how she was faced with such an impossible choice, and how she sacrificed for her family, for us. About how brave she would have had to be, encountering so many new situations and experiences, how she would have had to continually turn to the Lord for guidance and inspiration. About how she surely did not doubt God’s love for her and her family based on her past experiences, but there were probably times she doubted herself. I certainly don’t want to be here, facing these choices and these circumstances. But I also recognize how much I have grown over the past 6+ months, and I honestly wouldn’t choose to go back to my own naive “Garden of Eden” state. I think about the many unquestionable miracles that have occurred during this time, that have made it so I cannot doubt God’s love now. I can trust that a loving Father in Heaven is aware of me and my family, and that He will strengthen us, because I know He has in the past. Regardless of what the next day and week(s) bring, I’m thankful for the time I’ve been given to really learn how to trust, how to do things with strength beyond my own, and also how to ask for and accept help when it is needed. And so as I have before, and will need to do again and again, I choose faith as I take another step forward, into the dark toward whatever waits ahead.
