Thank You for Saying No

Did you know that I am actually relieved when people tell me no after I ask for help with something? Really. One side effect of having had so many big, relatively public trials and seemingly continual tragedies going on here is that people will naturally feel sorry for us, and when they learn about our circumstances they usually want to help. Not a bad thing, right? Except that there have been many times when people have agreed to do something and then later I learned it was not only stressful but was an actual hardship for their family, and they did so just because I was the one who was asking. It’s at times made me paranoid to ask, because I do have an overactive sensitivity about not ever wanting to inconvenience or be a burden on others.

In one of the classes I attended at my widow conference last weekend we were discussing how hard it can be to ask for, and accept, help. Because unfortunately widowhood inherently comes with challenges and demands that are simply impossible for one person to do or handle completely on their own. And it tends to not only be a one-time occurrence. I’m the poster child for the fact that new things requiring more than one adult will keep cropping up, especially when there are minor children living in the home.

It’s still hard for me to ask for help. I know that it blesses not only my and my family’s lives when people serve us, but the plain truth is that I don’t want to keep needing help. I want to be self reliant and go through life handling whatever comes up with just myself and divine support. Learning to swallow the fact that that help from God usually comes through other people, well, that’s not always comfortable.

But here’s one important component with that that I’ve learned throughout all of this, and something I shared with the other class members. I’ve learned to sincerely thank people when they will tell me they cannot do something I’ve asked. I even preface requests now by explaining that I will only feel comfortable asking them for help if I can trust they would tell me no if it wasn’t a good time for them, or was going to really put them out. That trust is a big thing for me.

So I may ask for that help at times, as the reality is that there are more things in my life that need to be done than are possible for one person to do. I really can’t be the driver for all the things when I am also working. We may need help with things like learning to tie ties, or doing hair for prom, or fixing computer problems, or cleaning up from floods, or even figuring out how to drain the sprinkler system. I may take you up on that offer to grab a gallon of milk for us when you’re going grocery shopping, or your offer to carpool for the school event that both of our children are attending, even though I likely won’t be able to do my share of the driving. But know that it is always OK to say no. I’ll even thank you if you do.

(Oh, and quick medical update: I did get in to my doctor and yes, my symptoms are related to the medication I am taking. The one that unfortunately I cannot stop taking. But at least now I know how to better monitor things like my low blood pressure and actions I can take to help. So overall good news, and hopefully no more fainting episodes!)