Has it been obvious that I like to think (or talk, or write) through things? I also like being prepared when I can. I don’t think it’s totally a matter of wanting to have control, or even just a way to manage anxiety. I simply like having things I know I can DO, ways to channel my energy and feel like I’m helping or improving or making a difference. No question I’m a “do-er.” And sometimes talking through things does feel like something I can do. Besides, I really like bouncing ideas off of other people, hearing and weighing their perspectives and opinions, perhaps modifying my own. I am not threatened by change.
Know what has felt threatening, though? That worry that without my “other half” here to be the voice of reason I may need, or to notice things I missed, or to just carry the load that sometimes feels too heavy for one person to manage on their own, that then in some way I won’t be OK. That I might burn out, or make a horrible mistake, or maybe even inadvertently hurt someone (particularly my children).
Since losing Kenny, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to better understand myself, and my thought processes, and to be very mindful as I make decisions and move forward. One thing about being a “do-er” is that I have in the past had a tendency to jump right in to things, without always considering all of the consequences in my rush to “get it done.” I don’t feel like I have that luxury anymore, if it could have been called that. So I do talk things through with trusted friends or family members. I do have regular conversations with my Heavenly Father. I write, a lot, and often go back and revisit things I’ve written. In a lot of ways I am more cautious than I used to be, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I feel the weight of my children relying on me to care for them, to keep them safe, to be here for them.
I try to stop and look at situations from different angles before I act. Is there anything I may have missed? Is there anything that could potentially be threatening or harmful to my family? One thing that I have put a LOT of thought into is dating. And along the way I have wondered, is there any way that Meal Train might be an issue when it comes to dating? I do, after all, have a decent number of people who know a great deal more about me than I do about them. There are many people who are complete strangers to me who have read (or currently read) this blog (and those are just the ones I know about, where friends come back to me and tell me whom they have shared my blog with, or when I get stopped by someone and they tell me). Don’t get me wrong. I really love when people read this blog. I do. Please, share it with anyone you think might enjoy or be helped by it! No need to get my permission first. This is a public blog.
No surprise then that I have wondered if it could potentially cause problems in a dating scenario if someone felt they knew me a lot better than I knew them, right? I’ve tried to think through, is there any way that information could be misused? As I’ve pondered this, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that no, I don’t think it would really be a problem. I went back and read through this blog (I seem to have found myself with a bit of uncharacteristic extra time on my hands the past few days for some reason…), and I tried to look at it through the lens of someone who may not know me well otherwise.
And you know what? I do think it’s a pretty accurate depiction of who I am as a person. I’ve been open, while also being careful about what I’ve shared about my children (or not oversharing gory or upsetting details I shouldn’t have). I don’t know how that would ever be a bad thing, for someone to have glimpses into the “real me.” There can be enough of the shallow, or silly games, when it comes to dating. Especially in “middle age.” (Does that really apply to me? Sounds so old!)
I’m grateful for this blog. I’m grateful for the valuable outlet it has been for me, for the record it has become for my family, for its therapeutic value, for the friends I have made through it, for the things I’ve been able to share as I’ve been on this incredible journey. I’m grateful for the original prompting to first start writing it, as well as the ones to continue it. Really, who knew I would one day be a blogger? (Guess He did?)