This brain o’ mine is always working. Yes, even the foggy/widow/trauma brain version (just maybe not as effectively then, haha). There have been many moments when I’ve wished I could take a break and turn off all of that thinking. Do you ever feel that way? I’m kind of jealous of men’s ability (or so I’ve been told) to at times literally not be thinking anything. What would that be like?
Seriously though, I do like to use those creative juices to find solutions to problems, and I’m always contemplating ways to “make things better.” (Kendall once lamented that I would never be finished with wanting to make changes around our home. Totally guilty as charged.) I want to know what I can be doing, I want projects, and I’m routinely coming up with and trying out new ideas. I’m pretty good at that last part, actually. It’s a skill that really comes in handy as a therapist. I will always have ideas and opinions about things. Always.
The problems come in implementing, or better yet, maintaining those “great ideas.” I think most moms can relate to being all gung-ho with some new schedule or system but then not being able to follow through long-term with it. That mental load for a mom (I know I should probably say parent, but I’m going to stick with mom here because that’s my scope of experience) can be heavy. And intricate. Keeping track of things for different schools, constant appointments and ever changing extracurricular activities, church and work responsibilities, all the never ending chores of just living like laundry and grocery shopping and and and…well, all the things. It just gets more complicated when the kids get older (a.k.a. busier).
It can be easy to switch in to “bossy Mom mode,” where most of the words coming out of my mouth are things like “Did you do ___________” “Why haven’t you done _____________,” “Where do you need to __________, “When do you need to _________________,” “Remember to _____________,” “Will you please ______________,” “Stop doing _____________________” and on and on. This can be especially true when you might have children who are neurodivergent or have any kind of special needs.
Our brains are hardwired to do this, to constantly be on the lookout for things that are wrong, need to be changed, or might be threatening in any way (which includes anything that feels threatening to us emotionally). That’s not a bad thing. I certainly want my brain to notice if there is anything dangerous in my environment, and I really do want to be actively working to improve that environment, and myself within it. But that means that I have to train my brain to notice the positive, to intentionally choose to focus on gratitude rather than criticism. I’ve talked about this concept several times on my blog.
Several years ago when my children were small (how are they so big now?), I found that I didn’t like how negative so many of our interaction were at home (maybe not mean, but definitely more utilitarian and too many corrections). I’m a do-er, remember, and I like things to get done. And done efficiently, and well. I have high standards for myself and too often that leaches over to my expectations for those around me.
I read books and articles and collected ideas online, but it felt like every new system or thing I tried would fizzle out or I would get stressed or overwhelmed with trying to keep on top of everything. I would start with good intentions but then, well, life. And four busy kids. That was when I had an idea one day to start the family jar.
One method I had previously tried (and failed with) was assigning each child their own cup, and then throughout the day I would put marbles in their cup when I noticed something positive they had done. The problem with that was, besides relying on my noticing and not being distracted by other things, certain children would get jealous or resentful when another child got more marbles (and I had one child who was so easy to praise, while others with different behaviors were harder). Instead of lowering contention it felt like my system was adding to it.
That’s the beauty of the family jar. It’s not Mom’s jar, or one specific child’s. As a family we decide together on some sort of family fun activity we want to work toward earning, and then everyone is encouraged to verbalize when they see someone else doing something kind/helpful/etc. and put a marble in the jar. Once the jar is filled, we all win. It’s a collaborative effort, no one is forced to participate, and there’s never any tallying or comparing of who has gotten the most marbles. But suddenly we’re motivated to notice the good things.
How great is it to have a child verbalize their thanks that you made dinner? Or picked them up from school? Or helped them with their homework? Hey, it earns marbles! Mom and Dad are encouraged to put in marbles for one another too. And I, as the Mom, then have mental space to look for specific things I know someone might have been struggling with and give them positive reinforcement when I see them succeed (even if only a small portion – “I noticed ___________ stayed in their chair at dinner for five minutes, thank you!”). People are then more motivated to actually do their tasks, which also means fewer necessary reminders from me. Score!
This is a concept I have introduced to many families within my therapy setting, and have set up with various classrooms at schools where I have worked. No need to buy fancy supplies or be Pinterest worthy here, you can use just about anything. Jar, cup, bucket. Marbles, dry beans, puff balls, beads, whatever you have on hand. I just love the idea that the basic concept is fostering a sense of a family (or classroom) team. I’m a big fan of anything that eliminates mom (or teacher) guilt, creates a positive atmosphere, lightens that mental load, and when we can show support to one another.
The family jar was one thing that had gotten lost in the shuffle of a pandemic, leukemia, death, floods, surgeries, and all of the other crazy that the last three years have encompassed. But I recently reintroduced it for our new little blended family unit here. Just like the Conference Store can be adapted for different ages, I can attest that it does indeed work with teenagers and busier schedules. We’ve already earned and enjoyed one family trip to the Aquarium, and now the butterfly biosphere and dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point are calling our name!
