I’m finding that there’s a fine line between accepting that I have very little control over things while recognizing that circumstances will likely NEVER turn out exactly how I would have planned, vs. constantly defaulting to expecting, and bracing for, the worst. I am mindful that that doomsday, always on guard feeling is a trauma response. I know that ultimately I get to choose what I focus on, how I want to view the future or respond to the obstacles or setbacks that will inevitably come my way.
Because let’s face it, despite the beauty and the miracles, life is full of unmet expectations and disappointments. This picture is of the nursery I had ready for a baby that I didn’t get to keep, an experience that although previously I had had many miscarriages, this was the loss that hit me hardest (other than Kendall’s death, of course). It’s something I still mourn, and at any given moment I could tell you exactly how old that child would now be. It constantly feels like my family is missing not just one member, but two, down here on earth.
Every single one of us can list off times when life simply didn’t go how we wanted, when things just weren’t fair, when life seemed to “gang up on us” despite our best efforts. Sure, we can choose to adopt a good attitude and exercise faith or express gratitude, but what about the times when it still feels hard? When you are just so TIRED that exerting any effort feels like too much to ask?
I’m not at that point right now, per se. But it has been an especially busy time for me lately with work, school ending, kids’ activities, and other obligations. There have also been several instances recently when I have been unexpectedly triggered by something, and I have needed to fit in working through that and handling those emotions and responses. It seems like there is never a moment to just sit and BE, there are always things to do, things that are getting neglected or left undone. And that frantic, frantic, not quite keeping up pace. Oh, it won’t stay that way. I know that. That’s part of the reason I love this quote by Jamie Varon:
“Trust that it’s coming back. The inspiration. The answers. The vision. The energy. The joy. You can’t be ‘on’ all the time. You’re not a machine. You’re not a robot. There are so many valleys you must walk through in order to recognize the peaks. Your emotions are not just ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ You’re not just ‘productive’ or ‘not.’ You do not exist in that binary. You can’t be defined that easily. You can’t be summed up like that. Leave space for the DIPS. Let yourself appreciate the beauty of the contrasts. Stop expecting yourself to never need a pause, a break, a lull. It’s all part of it. Take an exhale. Let it all come to you when you least expect it. Go live. Go be. Go ENJOY. Breathe and release. Let the next step find you with the sunshine on your face, lost in a moment.”
What a good reminder. My little family will be taking a much needed, and much anticipated, vacation as soon as school is out. Time to just be. To live. To enjoy one another and experience new things. Certainly I have expectations about what I want that trip to be, how I hope it will rejuvenate and reconnect all of us. But I can be OK if things don’t, and certainly won’t, turn out exactly how I anticipate. I can be grateful for what IS. I choose to be thankful for my actual circumstances, or at least identify the things amidst the hard and the hurried for which I feel gratitude. Now to just last through the rest of this week!