Can I tell you how grateful I am for not only being able to recognize what was wrong with me, but then knowing the steps I needed to take and what help I needed to then seek out? I met with my doctor on Wednesday, and no question I was correct with my self diagnosis. I was top of the charts for every item on the depression checklist except I had never felt suicidal. It was so surreal. I honestly couldn’t think, and it was a monumental effort just to get out of bed and Make. My. Body. MOVE. My brain couldn’t seem to work. I didn’t want to do ANYthing. And the weirdest thing of all, I could not smile. I couldn’t even fake it there for a bit. (I’m a big proponent of the “fake it ’til you make it” philosophy – with having confidence, feeling happiness, gratitude, etc.)
Now, I know that depression and other mental health challenges are not things that you simply flip a switch or pop a pill and everything is “fixed.” But for me, making an adjustment to my medication dosage and then doubling down on the good mindfulness and self care (including emotional awareness and regulation) practices I have learned, as well as admitting to myself AND others that I needed help, well, it has already made an immense difference. Oh, the grief is there. Absolutely. And I’m not getting some artificially manic “up mood” from being medicated. But wow. I can SEE things again, FEEL things beyond the fog, make connections that were impossible a few days ago. I actually want to be doing things again, even if it still feels hard. I can smile and mean it. That feels so good.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a group of congregations (wards) is called a stake. My stake will be having a semi-annual conference this weekend, and I was asked to be one of the speakers at the general session. Typically I really like getting to speak in church, but with the way the past few weeks have gone I have been pretty worried this time. I was telling a friend last weekend, “I got nothin.’ I have nothing to contribute, no idea what I will say.” What a relief it has been yesterday and today to finally have thoughts coming together and gaining confidence in the fact that there IS a message I believe God would have me share.
The meeting will be broadcast, at 10:00 a.m. MST on Sunday. Anyone is welcome to watch the video streaming, which you can find at www.edgemontstake.com.
Again, I want to emphasize that I am not minimizing or glossing over the challenges of mental illness. I know that relief is usually not experienced so quickly and so drastically. But I do want to bear testimony of the fact that there IS help available. There ARE ways out of the darkness and despair. We’re not meant to stay stuck. And if you are reading this and you are struggling, know that I am here as part of YOUR support network, and am ready to be that listening ear or assist you in finding the help you need. Above all, God IS aware of you, and loves you perfectly. Even when you may not be able to feel it.
Love to you all,
Suzanne
(And yes, that IS popcorn stuck to my lip that no one told me all evening was there!)
