Well How About That!

Do you also feel like the majority of my posts are my sharing some hard thing (or many of them piled on top of one another) that has been happening, showing that we’re “getting through it,” and then forcing myself to see (and write about) a positive side? Or buckling down and then through sheer grit and determination staying committed to choosing faith despite things feeling so very hard? Don’t get me wrong, my life is good. Really. I’m not complaining, I know I am so so blessed. But I’ve had to really fight for that sense of contentment, had to time and again claw my way back out of depression or keep from drowning in grief. Or not let myself spiral downward when I haven’t felt in control of unrelenting trauma responses.

So you can imagine how amazing it felt when I had an overpowering realization today. I am so happy. Like, really really happy. And on a holiday no less, one that has been grief-y and difficult the past three years. I’m smart enough to know that feelings don’t last and there will be plenty of ups and downs in my future. But I’m not sure if since Mom died I have felt such a deep feeling of peace and gratitude and joy like I did in that moment. Yes, I’ve been happy (in many moments), but I feel so good. It’s incredible.

Something suddenly clicked for me last night, and all at once I was hit by the holiday spirit that has felt absent for so long. It was Christmas! I love Christmas! That delicious anticipation of seeing the faces of my loved ones when they open the gifts that were so carefully chosen for each of them. The Christmas lights that are so beautiful. That desire to reach out to and connect with others. To share my testimony affirming that yes, the Savior of the world was indeed born to bring about the salvation of the world. That He came for me. That life is full of miracles. It’s hard to adequately describe, other than saying it was magical, and my bouncy excitement and overall happiness was back. Because…Christmas!!!!!

It’s been such a lovely day. I’ve appreciated being all together in a way that I’m not sure I ever consciously did before. I keep having these moments where I stop and feel so grateful for my life, for the people who are in it, for all of the blessings my Father in Heaven has given me. It’s like I’m truly feeling again. And smiling all the way to my eyes. My “wanting to hug the entire world” and overwhelming feeling of love for everyone (literally) is back, and I love it.

Merry Christmas!