I had a therapy session yesterday where my client was struggling with a lot of frustration and negative thoughts about their communication struggles and how they were impacting them professionally and socially. As part of the session we went through a series of thought exercises, acknowledging what felt hard and why but then also answering questions like, “But what else is true?” and trying to reframe some experiences in their mind. It was not easy for them, but it was fascinating to observe throughout the session how the more we talked about it and practiced, the easier it became for them to identify things that were actually positive about where they were and what had happened. Even their body language changed as they did so, posture improving, less overall tension, facial expression clearing.
It certainly gave me pause. I know how much our thoughts impact the way we feel, how what we choose to focus on colors how we experience life. When I take a step back it’s surprising to me how quickly I fell from such a high to such a low over the course of a few weeks. I’m certainly not discounting that depression is a real thing. The real tipping point for me, though, was learning about and now needing to handle the medical situations for my children. That was when my brain simply said, “This is too much. We can’t handle this.” Again, looking at my life from an outside perspective, with everything that has happened, of COURSE I’m having a hard time. I can’t even get a breath as new things keep piling on me, more than I’ve even shared on here. Who wouldn’t be struggling?
But it has been eye-opening to follow where my thoughts have been, to recognize the ways that my brain has not only been telling me things that aren’t true but has also been trying to protect me from more trauma by disengaging, numbing me to the things around me. Doing so has allowed me to be more intentional about what I want to be thinking, what thoughts I choose to hang on to and internalize. I’m trying to change my focus to actually be thankful for those protective measures and responses, rather than resentful of them. And I am also consciously asking myself, “What else is true? Is there an upside to any of this?” It’s difficult to make that shift. But no question that even in the midst of the hard there are MANY other things that are true.
For instance, it’s true that having Covid when we did turned out to be a blessing in many ways. My girls did not have to leave Girls Camp when there was a Covid outbreak, having just had it two weeks prior. I wasn’t at all worried about being around my mom or in my parents’ house, knowing that I could not give either of them Covid. I didn’t feel like I needed to mask at the funeral or viewings when I was around so many people (crying in a mask can be so gross, ick). And it’s also true that I was not nearly as sick with Covid as I believe I would have been without being immunized. It’s true that I did not even need to go to the hospital when I was sick.
It’s also true that I had a lovely break from needing to do ALL the therapy this summer because I had another clinician here working two days a week, and I DID get to at least start on my book as well as spend more time with my kids than I would have otherwise. It’s true that I may yet be able to hire someone for the future who can continue to help me with my overly full caseload. It’s true that having so many clients is actually a good thing for my growing business. It’s true that I have the skills and education to be able to help those clients.
What else is true? I’m grateful to have access to resources when I’m struggling with mental health. It’s true that I’m better able to recognize those signs than I used to be. It’s true that things won’t stay this way. It’s also true that my daughter is recovering from her concussion and shouldn’t have any lasting effects. It’s true that doctors believe the procedures and other changes that will shortly be implemented for my other child should help her start to feel better, may be steps toward recovery and being able to lead a more normal life.
It’s true that just writing in that last post about how I was feeling, particularly doing so in a space where I felt heard and then got some feedback from people, helped immensely with not feeling so alone. It’s true that once again connecting back to times in my life when I did feel differently, felt more, had such peace, is helping to re-anchor me. It’s true that I’ve been strengthened by being able to read, or hear, myself and others bear testimony of fundamental gospel truths.
It IS true that I still have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation. It’s true that I know the Atonement is real and active in my life. It is true that I have felt God’s love and trust that I will be able to do so again. It’s true that there are people in my life who care about me, have reached out to me, will help and support me.
And on and on and on. I could definitely keep going. Most of all, it’s true that I’m feeling more hopeful than I was two days ago. I’ve been reminding myself that I have agency and get to choose what I think, how I will spend my time, what I will focus on. That does feel empowering, even as it still feels like I’m wading through molasses much of the time, and life does feel foggy. But I can definitely remember that it hasn’t always felt this way. And we’ll get through these next medical setbacks and challenges. We’ve done so before.
I, like many of you, have been studying the story of Job this week. I know my life circumstances do not compare to his. I do find some comfort, though, from the fact that even Job had moments of despair and times when things simply felt too hard to endure. So did Elijah, Alma the Younger, Moroni. Even the Savior had moments where his spirits were low, or when he didn’t want to do the task placed before him. But each one of those people remained true to their faith and let God prevail in their lives. I can, too.
I can remember to be gentle with myself, to allow others to help carry portions of this at times crazy heavy load. And definitely, I can continue to seek out the professional support that is available to me. Deep breath, I’ve got this. Or at least I WILL.