Life is always changing. Intellectually I know that that has always been true in my own life, but it has felt like the changes have been greatly accelerated for me these past two years, new things coming at me constantly. So much seems to happen each and every week even.
Last week was no different. We had a few setbacks and challenges with my medically fragile child, some deaths at my youngest’s school to process, additional pressures at work for me (the start of the school year is always extra busy) as well as some possibilities and opportunities opening up that I hadn’t anticipated. Some things that I am VERY excited about but will remain mum on for now. But definitely some big changes on the horizon for me in my career especially.
Typical Suzanne, I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking over and reflecting on what’s been happening, trying to determine what my thoughts and feelings have been regarding everything, as well as analyzing where I am choosing to spend my time and energy. I’ve been asking myself, “What things am I choosing to focus on? Is my focus on the most important things?”
I was reading through some of the writings of John Pontias, where he discussed this very concept. (Yes, it’s a bit long, but totally worth the read!)
“Frustration and anxiety come when we focus upon the wrong goal. When our lives are properly aligned with God’s plan for us, we feel peace and safety… The greatest goal we should have is to make our eye single to the glory of God…. When we make our eye single to ANYTHING else, even something as worthy as eternal marriage or raising a righteous family, we have focused upon the wrong thing.”
“If you focus on your own needs and your own fears, you will not be attuned to the solutions Christ is trying to communicate to you. If you turn to Him, take the Holy Spirit to be your guide, and learn to hear his voice, you will begin to know what to do, step-by-step. You probably won’t be given every answer all at once, but whatever is best for you…will sweetly take place. I promise you that the blessing you need will be manifested when you give your life to Christ and take His voice as your guide.”
“Here’s what will happen. As a disciple of Christ, you will become a creature of light and joy. Happiness and peace will radiate from you. You will be empowered and guided through your trials. You will be healed of your aching…You will feel content with your life in Christ and at peace about your eternity….And the very thing you placed upon the altar will be returned to you a hundred fold.”
Doesn’t that sound glorious, to be a “creature of light and joy?” To have peace and happiness just radiate from you? Yes, THAT is what I want in my life.
A friend told me today that it is like I am a completely different person now (I hope she meant in a good way?). It’s true, I have changed a lot in a relatively short amount of time, but I don’t know that I am a completely different person. Rather, I am more of MYSELF. Or the version I am supposed to be, the version that God all along has tried to help me to become but I was so caught up in busy-ness and worries that I wasn’t able to fully see it. At least not in the same way.
Yes, it does feel like in some ways I have experienced a sort of rebirth. Had my eyes opened in a way they weren’t before. I am far, far from perfect. I know that. I have so much to learn and do and become. Just as Kenny on the other side of the veil is learning, doing, and becoming. As difficult as it has been, as it still is, I am learning to appreciate the sacredness that can accompany sorrow. To trust that ALL of these experiences that I am allowed to have truly are for my good. I’ve seen so much of that already.
Ah, Jeffrey R. Holland, you always say it best. “With time and perspective we recognize that such problems in life do come for a purpose, if only to allow the one who faces such despair to be convinced that he really does need divine strength beyond himself, that she really does need the offer of heaven’s hand. Those who feel no need for mercy usually never seek it and almost never bestow it. Those who have never had a heartache or a weakness or felt lonely or forsaken never have had to cry unto heaven for relief of such personal pain. Surely it is better to find the goodness of God and the grace of Christ, even at the price of despair, than to risk living our lives in a moral or material complacency that has never felt any need for faith or forgiveness, any need for redemption or relief.”
Can those of you observing my life from the outside see how that has been happening for me? No, I am not going to seek out trials. But I am going to continue to embrace ALL of my experiences, including the difficult ones. I’m going to choose to be grateful for each and every one of those experiences. I can see what a big difference it has made the times in my past when I have been able to do so.
I’m even finding that my prayers have changed. I don’t plead in the same way for things to be removed anymore. Oh, I express to God that He knows the desires of my heart, that I may feel inadequate to the task or that I certainly don’t want my loved ones to suffer. But lately, the focus of my prayers has been more on asking for help to be able to bear and get through the difficult times, rather than avoiding them. And it is amazing to see how exactly that continues to happen.
It’s hard to explain, but I feel perfectly content with where my life and my circumstances are right now, while also feeling this drive to be improving and growing and progressing. All while still carrying grief each day, every moment. It seems so odd to me that it was through experiencing sorrow and grief that I actually came to find lasting peace.
I know there will be challenging and painful moments. Yesterday had several of them, some hard grief triggers, many tears. But I’m finding that that re-centering happens much quicker than it used to. For both me and my children. What a cool thing to recognize. And I mean it when I say that there are so many things I have given away, handed over to God. I really don’t feel anxious about my and my family’s future. I’m OK with not knowing all of the steps and dots that will be connected in unforeseen ways in this interim between now and the next life. For a former control freak, that’s a pretty amazing thing to be able to say.
