Hmmm, looks like using introspective questions as post titles is becoming a thing…
As every single day from January 21 through March 24 is now an anniversary of at least one terrible or traumatic thing, or some kind of “last,” or has horrible memories associated with that specific day, I’ve been thinking lately about what I might have changed from that time a year ago. I mean, obviously I would have wanted Kendall to get better, to not have had to suffer all that he did. But would I erase everything that happened those last five weeks, if I had been given the choice? Really I guess a better question is, would it have been preferable if Kendall had passed away before his prolonged ICU stay? If he had been spared all of that intense suffering, or if I had not lived through all of that trauma? There were, after all, many times before that doctors thought Kendall might die, times we came close.
There’s no real way to answer that, of course. We DID go through that experience. But are there things I can say I am grateful for from that time? It might sound silly that this was such a big deal to me, but I am so grateful to know that I did absolutely everything I possibly could to help him while he was in the ICU. No regrets on that front. I honestly don’t think I could have been involved more, given more effort, advocated more. I pushed to the utmost limit of my physical and emotional capacities, and then went beyond them. And it does mean a lot to me to know how hard Kendall fought to be able to stay with his family. Then there are the people I met through that experience, the things I learned about myself (and my children), and the miracles I witnessed. So many of them.
I mentioned in my funeral talk that I needed time to get stronger, to better learn how to fully trust in the Lord when it was physically impossible to do it on my own. I’m grateful for how that helped fortify me for all of the hard that has come afterward. I’m also grateful that I was given the time to come to a place where I could let Kendall go. To realize that I loved him enough to make the choice that would release him from all of the pain and his broken body, that I COULD make the decision that had previously seemed so impossible. I know that I wouldn’t have been as ready five weeks before (although no one is ever really ready for something like that), and I am also grateful for the time I was given to be able to prepare my children as best I could.
It’s hard for me to verbalize, even to just myself, how horrific some of those experiences were in the ICU. Certainly my body has been keeping the score, and my mind sometimes betrays me as it tries to grapple with processing everything. But it is equally difficult to explain what a sacred experience all of that was, how I could physically feel how I was lifted and carried by the (many) prayers that were being offered in my behalf, for Kendall and my family. Grateful for the many times that I knew, without a doubt, that I was being guided in my words and my actions by a higher power, the clarity of mind I had in crucial moments that was nothing short of a miraculous gift.
So while no, I wouldn’t ever willingly CHOOSE to go through something like that again, I can say I am grateful for how I know it helped refine and forever change me. And I’m grateful that I was able to continue our love story in that way, the one that will continue into eternity.
