Still Being Smelted

It's been awhile since I have posted on here. Grief has been ugly and messy and unpredictable and still so very very painful, to a level that's difficult to articulate. I know it's uncomfortable being faced with someone's profound grief or pain, particularly for anyone who has experienced their own deep loss. And let's be honest, it's just plain awkward, because there really isn't any "right" thing…

Yep, today marks three months. I adore this shirt. (In case you can't tell from the picture, it says, "Today's Forecast: Cloudy with a Chance of Widow Brain.") I made the decision to just accept and maybe even embrace this new (and hopefully temporary?) normal of an often muddled brain. Laughing at myself and all my uncharacteristic-for-typical-pre-leukemia-and-then-widowhood-me mistakes feels a whole lot better than self pity or…

This was an eventful week for our family. My oldest turned 16 and my youngest was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In our church children can choose to be baptized once they turn eight years old. She actually turned eight the beginning of February shortly after Kendall's bone marrow transplant, but she felt very strongly about waiting for her dad…

Let me be perfectly clear here, I did NOT mean it literally when I joked about "bring it on." This has been a week, guys, and one that has pushed me about to my limit. I'm just incredibly tired. Tired of the constant setbacks yes, but also tired physically, emotionally, mentally, in every way. We started the week with taking the kids on Sunday to visit Kendall's…

Thinking it has been too long since there was new drama in the Sawyer household? Have you been missing that weekly, even sometimes daily, dose of crises and mayhem? Never fear! I have you covered and continue to be your one-stop shop for rubberneck viewing of the unbelievable craziness that has become my life! (I promise, I did used to be rather boring in another life...) I…

When Kendall and I were first married we would anticipate and celebrate each month anniversary (with a big splurge for our poor struggling college students' budget of a Little Caesar's pizza, or sometimes even the extravagance of toasting with a bottle of Martinelli's sparkling cider). We would talk about how long we thought it would be before we stopped measuring our marriage in months, stopped acknowledging the…

This has been a difficult weekend, probably the hardest for me since the actual day Kendall passed. It has already been pretty emotional, and I'm feeling a bit wrung out even though it is only Saturday evening. I've been told that my family has an excessive amount of traditions, and that might very well be true. Maybe I have gone overboard sometimes and made things more complicated…

I've wondered, do people now just brace themselves when they see I've posted a new update, wondering what possible next thing could be going wrong for the Sawyer family? Or is it more a morbid curiosity like watching a real live soap opera unfolding, each installment hooking you for more? I know, we've been pretty sensational here for the past good while. I honestly wonder how my…

Or a tragedy? Definitely laughable, because if I don't choose to laugh I will just cry (although I have done some of that too the past few days....). Sometime between 1:00 and 5:30 p.m. on Thursday, my sewage line backed up and flooded my basement. Yes, all of it, including my therapy clinic that is down there. I've had 48 hours now to take stock of things,…

I mentioned in passing a few posts ago that one of my children has been diagnosed with a rare and potentially life-threatening medical condition. That is my oldest, who gave me permission to post about this. We know for certain that she has a severe case of Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome. What we don't know is if it was exacerbated by a sudden large weight loss (an…