Still Being Smelted

Over the past several months I have mentioned various family members like my dad, the kids, my mother-in-law, or my sister. I have not, however, written about my mom. That has been a conscious choice, a sort of self-preservation if you will. You might find it funny that I'm able to write all of these things about Kendall's situation, or deep struggles I have had, but even…

There's no denying that this past week has been incredibly intense. I won't pretend to understand what it would actually feel like to say a final good-bye to Kendall in this mortal life, but I imagine it will be the most difficult and gut-wrenching thing I have ever experienced. I can say, though, that there is a confidence in knowing that I came right up to that…

Today was nothing short of miraculous. I know there were a lot of people praying for, fasting, and thinking about us today. Thank you. Kendall was the most awake, alert, and responsive today that I have seen for more than three weeks. He was able to sit up in a chair for the kids' visits (they came in one at a time), and he waved at them,…

I mentioned yesterday how very sick Kendall is, despite his being more awake and alert. The doctors had determined that as long as nothing new went wrong, they were OK to continue aggressively treating things and waiting a bit to see if Kendall improved. Well, something new did happen. Kendall is now bleeding internally, quite a bit, which has made his blood pressure dip dangerously low. That…

Yesterday was a really rough day. It was the least responsive I have ever seen Kendall. He just would not wake up, and he was unresponsive to commands during his neurological exams throughout the day. It was especially emotional for me when the music therapist came by and Kendall did not respond at all to the songs she sang (ones I'd picked that had memories for both…

The decision was made today to wait on taking Kendall off of the ventilator. Results of a brain MRI showed that he might have meningitis. While that diagnosis is serious, it is potentially treatable. If that is contributing to Kendall's current cognitive state, and treating this could possibly help him to improve, the doctors want to explore that further before taking him off of any life support…

This has been a pretty difficult, emotional day. I needed to make some end of life decisions with Kendall's medical team, and discussed in detail what it would look like having the family come to the hospital to see him. They will probably be taking Kendall off of the ventilator tomorrow morning. Did you know that ventilators are usually only used as temporary fixes? That it is…

I wish I had been keeping all of the visitor's badges with the various spellings (butcherings?) of my name from the past six months. Today's doozy was "Susazane" (SOOS-uh-zayne?). Really? I even usually spell my name for them when I get there. Several of the security guards know me by sight (and name) by now, and today one of them mistakenly thought I was an employee because…

The bed Kendall has had up in the ICU really wasn't long enough for him. His feet were smashed to the side and against the bottom, and nephrology felt that it was contributing to how swollen his feet and ankles were. They tried taking off the foot board, but with the head of the bed elevated Kendall kept sliding down and hanging off the end of the…

When I write these updates, I'm mindful of the fact that many people who read them have gone through (or are going through) incredibly hard experiences, and without the expanding and multi-faceted support network that has sprung up for our family. I'm sorry if that has ever made anyone feel isolated, or unnoticed, or less loved. The truth is, we often don't know about the hard things…