Was Not Expecting This, But….!!!!

If you’ve followed this blog for the past three years then I feel that you have a fairly accurate picture of who I am as a person, how I handle challenges, my general outlook on life, and how important my faith is to me. You’ve had a window into my struggles and my triumphs as you’ve followed along with my family’s sometimes unbelievable journey (it really has been, and continues to be, a crazy ride).

You’ve probably also clued in to the fact that sometimes I can make things more complicated than they need to be. I like to prepare, to know the plan, to try and have some control over what is happening in my life. At the very least, I work hard to control the attitude I adopt amidst the circumstances of my life.

It’s kind of weird to be dating in your 40’s, guys. Okay, more than kind of. Very. While I went on a few very casual dates last fall, I didn’t get really involved with the singles scene and become open to the idea of dating until the start of this year. I’ve never been on any dating apps, but even without that I’d say I’ve been asked out a decent amount by people I’ve met “in the wild.” I didn’t actually accept and go on that many dates, but I was asked out (while this was far from the norm, there was even one time that I was asked out by five different guys in one day, good grief!).

No, I’ve been….cautious with dating. I’ve heard so many horror stories from people, and with children this go around who need to be protected, a lot of things about dating haven’t felt safe (thanks, hypervigilent trauma responses). I’ve had a lot of walls up. While I had always assumed I would eventually date again after Kenny died, and I did hope that someday I might have the chance to remarry again in this life, I certainly wasn’t in any hurry. My life was good. I was good.

After all, my main goal was to be making new friends. As I’ve been immersed in the single adult world I’ve felt compelled to always be looking for and connecting with those who seemed out of place. I’m pretty good at meeting people, and I love being able to share my happiness and hope and love of life with those who might be feeling discouraged or alone. And yes, at the same time be able to fill my own extrovert bucket by just being around large groups of people. It’s been a lot of fun, and I have made some very dear and close friends by doing so.

Throughout it all, though, my prayer has been that I could be open to whatever the Lord may have in store for me and my family. That my own fears and insecurities would not hold me back from what His plan, the best plan, might be (careful what you pray for, Suzanne, ha!).

So, if I never in this lifetime have the chance to marry again? No problem. I could still be content and happy and have a full, satisfying life.

Maybe that opportunity would come along after my children were grown? Okay, that sounded like a comfortable solution to me. Great plan even, let’s go with that. No needing to blend families and households with children still living at home, no needing to uproot or disrupt my family. After all, I think we’ve been doing a decent job of getting by on our own. We’re still learning and growing, but really we’re doing well. We’re happy, we’ve been functioning. So yeah, thinking about maybe remarrying after I was done raising kids and could then enjoy time with my spouse in our retirement years sounded pretty great. Yep, nice and comfortable.

Casually dating now? Sure! What a great way to meet people, make new friends, have new experiences. But certainly not anything serious. Not yet. I don’t commit lightly, and surely it would take me a long time to know someone well enough to be ready for any sort of serious exclusive relationship. I intended to take things very slooooooooowly and stay firmly inside my comfort zone, thank you very much.

Except, that wasn’t God’s Plan A for me. I won’t go into a play by play account of how getting to know someone over a four month period ended up developing into receiving unquestionable confirmation that they were supposed to permanently be in my and my children’s lives. I can look back now and recognize the hand of the Lord in helping prepare me (and him!) for where we are now. There’s more to the story, including a very powerful (probably the most powerful spiritual experience I have ever had) and personal experience involving Kenny that has contributed to my assurance. But I have no doubt that the Lord is guiding me in some unexpected, but wonderful, ways for my life going forward. That may not have been my plan, but it is the plan. And I cannot accurately convey how much peace I feel about all of this.

So, curious now for an introduction? I’m sure you must have questions! I’ll start by saying that Jaime Espinoza is a truly amazing man (I mean, you assumed he was because you know how amazing I am, right? haha). And he is so, so good for me. He grounds and steadies me, and helps me to keep a positive, balanced outlook on life. From the beginning I have always felt safe and at ease with him, which was not my experience in other dating and socializing situations with men. We’ve never struggled to find things to say (cue one date that ended up lasting 12 hours instead of the planned one, four hour phone calls, etc.). Jaime makes me laugh, is an amazing dancer (me, well, we’ll just say that I’m learning!), he cooks (and is currently in my kitchen right now making empanadas for dinner with his “assistant manager” C; we are seriously eating so much better now), and he loves my children. There are understandably up and down moments for the kids with all of this, and it has brought up grief for their dad, but there have been so many small miracles in how things have been working out for them. Jaime is a calming influence on all of us, although we are certainly still silly and have fun together. I don’t know how to describe it other than my mind and my spirit calm when I’m with him. And most of all he and I share the same deep faith in our Savior and His gospel, as well as a desire to be helping others.

As for the nitty-gritty? Jaime is seven years older than me (good thing for him that I had initially decided I was willing to go seven years up or down when it came to dating – phew!) and he is from Chile. He has two children who are grown and still living in Chile (he speaks with them every day and I’ve had the chance to meet his whole family through video calls). Jaime has a background in construction management and planning, another degree in business, and he was involved in politics for ten years in Chile both as a senator’s advisor and then as a candidate for Congress. He’s comfortable speaking in front of thousands of people or appearing regularly on TV or the radio, although speaking with my dad sure made him nervous! He taught institute and seminary for fifteen years and has served in several leadership positions within the Church (including working closely with Elder Holland in Chile when he was called as a counselor for a mission presidency there). I would describe Jaime as a natural leader, and I’ve found that people are drawn to him and regularly turn to him for counsel. He’s good at including and serving others.

We primarily communicate in English, but I have found myself encouraged of late to be brushing up on my Spanish; thankfully my three years of high school Spanish have meant I wasn’t starting from scratch. We have plans to serve missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once the kids are grown, and I just assume that I will need to know Spanish when we do. I do feel like reading the scriptures together verse by verse in Spanish and then English is helping me more than Duolingo has (President Nelson actually gave a promise about that when he visited Jaime’s mission and counseled all of the missionaries to learn English).

Oh, and yes, I am getting married. As of last Thursday there is a ring on my finger, and while we don’t have an exact wedding date determined yet, I will keep you updated once we do. Sound crazy? I had undeniable confirmation that we would from the time we started dating exclusively. To be honest I have never been more certain about anything in my life, not even when Kenny and I were first engaged. It’s hard to convey the peace I feel about all of this, no matter the shock it may be to those on the outside. Never fear, I do promise that I know the difference between hormones and the Spirit!

I am very happy, and best of all have such profound peace about all of this even though it wasn’t something I was specifically looking for. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to not be overcomplicating or overthinking things, to not be getting stuck within my own head and self doubt. I’m trusting in God’s plan and moving forward in faith.

So please, ask me your questions. I hope you can share in my happiness, and I look forward to having you get to know Jaime better as he is such an important part of my life now. Love you all, my dear Meal Train/blogging family!

(Ha, Jaime is sitting right beside me now and opted to not read what I’d written before I posted it, so he’d see along with everyone else. Brave man!)