Well That Didn’t Take Much

Sometimes I wonder if reading these posts makes it seem like I’m constantly all over the place with my emotions. While it is true that I do feel things deeply, and I can be more emotion-driven rather than purely logic based, for the most part I am simply going through life fairly content and happy. I do use these posts sometimes to work through difficult emotions, though, or to help calm my brain down when things are starting to feel overwhelming. I am human, after all, and when thing after thing and constant new challenges continue to pile up, especially when there have been some trauma triggers involved, I have to get things out of my head. Writing isn’t as good as talking through things with someone, but it does help my brain to make sense of things.

After a difficult day on Tuesday, learning of yet more diagnoses and intimidating treatment plans, and now with some new added concerns, I went to bed that evening feeling weighed down. I had no idea how we were going to be able to physically handle some upcoming obstacles and needed accommodations. I still don’t really know, to tell you the truth. Except I’m no longer feeling worried about it. What changed? Only one small thing, really.

It did not escape my notice that when I made the decision on Wednesday to start my day in the scriptures and be more intentional about my personal devotional time, when I really pondered and tried to apply things to my life, I immediately noticed a difference in my mood. I’ve continued to do so, and re-prioritizing that one part of my day has had a surprisingly far-reaching effect in many areas of my life. I don’t think it’s an accident that I’ve been feeling happier, lighter, hopeful, and not anxious. I’ve had parts of scriptures and Conference talks floating through my head throughout the day, and I love it. Amazing what power there is in the Word. The Lord is so ready to help me, it just rests on me to actually reach out to Him. It’s said that the way we talk to God is through prayer, but the way He often speaks to us is through the scriptures.

Then I feel like I’ve hit another milestone in my healing. If you had told me two and a half years ago that I would go this long without reading being a large part of my everyday, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine it. My brain just hasn’t seemed to work the same way anymore. Or maybe it’s that I don’t feel like I have as much “free time” as I once did, I don’t know. (Although that never seemed to stop me before.) But last week as I dropped my kids off for an activity at the library, I didn’t have anywhere I needed to be or anything that absolutely had to get done right then (we won’t mention the mountain of tasks that I could or should have been doing, of course), so I decided to go in on my own and see if anything appealed to me. I don’t know the last time I’ve done that. Years, guys. I’ve taken my kids to the library, but I haven’t just gone on my own to a building that really used to be my happy place.

I did finish reading “Rhythym of War” over the break, but doing so felt more like something I needed to just get through, a personal challenge I needed to overcome. Brandon Sanderson is an incredibly talented writer and storyteller, but finishing that book was still emotionally draining for me. So what a great feeling to discover that I wanted to read! Let me tell you, when you dive back in to reading after essentially taking a few years off, there are so many new books out from favorite authors! I loaded up and then also went upstairs to the nonfiction sections. I found the area where they keep the piano music and I checked out book after book of eclectic piano music, everything from Billy Joel to Broadway songs. Then I came home and played for the next hour until it was time to pick up my children. It felt so good! And I currently have a basket of enticing new books sitting next to my bed, with one already started. It’s hard to explain how much this feels like reclaiming a piece of myself that has felt lost.

I do feel happy. Really happy. I’m trying to stay engaged in life, to enjoy new experiences and be fully present and appreciate the time I get to spend with other people. Feels good to just be me, to be living this wonderful life I have. Happy Monday!